“Mommy when are you going to have another baby?” my soon to be seven-year old daughter asked me. “Olivia is our baby, she completes our family,” I gently told her. The conversation continued on with something about her having six kids, then eight and then down to two and me saying something like, have as many as you feel you can handle. Rocking my baby Olivia Mae to sleep, a somber realization crossed my mind as she fell asleep without being nursed and our/my final weaning of a nursing baby comes to a close. My realization was that the day would come, my baby and I would separate from our nursing days an continue on in love and enjoyment of one another. What I didn’t fully anticipate was the mourning of closing my womb and never having the miracle of life grow within my belly. Snuggling Olivia Mae close, she wiggled at my slightly more smothering love. Wanting to remember her as a baby, which she hardly is anymore in the age range of things. We will be celebrating her birthday on August 12. She will be one. Holding her close I remember the first time I held my own baby. An unimaginable feeling. Looking at him now, he is almost ten and I can hardly believe it when I look at him. I am scared as he grows and as time passes. I am scared because he is getting older and so am I. Have I taught him the things he needs to know, will he grow into an exceptional man and be kind to those he comes into contact with? Will he know how to fight the battles that he faces–the unkindness and cruelty of the world–without being broken. But then to be human is to break once in a while but not to break too many times–hopefully, though to grow majestically with each of those breaks. Rocking Olivia, she touches my face as if to ask what are you doing and why are you holding me so tight?. I just want to remember her. I want to remember each of my babies. Time passes–so slowly but so quickly at the same time. Advice from Mothers and Women who have been there, “Enjoy them while they are little, it seems forever but it passes so quickly. You will long for these days.” Is that possible? When days seem so long and so busy and so tiring. When I feel like I am at my breaking point. Will I long for these days? Though it is hard to admit, I think I might have to agree, I will long for the days of my little ones. Not so much the yucky stuff like sick tummies or things like that but watching them grow and smile and walk and talk and becoming familiar with their world and recognizing they are alive and to live is for their joy. I sit down with Olivia, wrap her in my fleece, I don’t have one of her blankets around. She stirs, she moans, she wakes, I stand up, rock her, she rests her head on my shoulder. She is comfortable. Should I put her down to sleep? She is peaceful. No, I want to hold her, I am still not done remembering. Remembering how stubborn my oldest daughter was to be born and how fast my third child came into this world and the excruciating pain I felt with his birth. And with Olivia how, yes, I am a wimp, did not want to feel that pain again and chose to be induced. Remembering when she was born how tiny she was and what a miracle she was! Physically my body was worn during my pregnancy with Olivia and each day I worried that she may not make it into this world. Wondering if I would experience holding one of my newborns again and how I yearned to hold her. Grateful, she was born and I was able to hold her. I really thought she was going to be a boy but she wasn’t she was my most precious little newborn girl. Each baby miraculous in their own right. Each so different and each I hold in my heart the feeling of holding their little bodies next to mine. Never really thinking about having children or how many I might have, I am thankful for each one of their lives and the experiences I received from each one. Closing the chapter on my baby bearing years, I mourn that time and look forward to this next set of years that lies ahead while keeping my babies snuggled in my heart.
What was your experience when you knew you were done having children?
Much of the time I don’t recall the activities I did as a child with my parents. There are pieces here and there and events that stand out in my mind. I can’t remember a lot of the time I spent with my parents, only what they share with me. A spontaneous trip to Ikea today, I asked the kids if they wanted to go and they were pretty excited about the idea. There is a play area for the kids and it gets us out of the house for a little. I wanted to get some art organizing supplies, to encourage more art and creativity vs. the perfected art of sitting in front of the tv or other screen. Don’t get me wrong, I love technology and all of its perks and forms of communication technology provides, just I am a big fan of having the kids still use their brilliant minds that they have so much room to create things in. Returning to my original thought, I turned to my kids as we entered the Ikea parking lot and expressed to them that I don’t know if I will remember the exact moment we were in the car together at Ikea or if they would remember this moment either, though I wanted them to know that I love them. It is crazy sometimes how childhood can seem like such a different life. A different lifetime from long ago, a make-believe world, a land of imagination. When they look back on events of their lives, I hope the can remember my simple message to them, I love them and I am so grateful to have the time to spend with them. Especially, in these days of hustle, bustle and time that seems to pass so quickly. I want my kids to know I love them.
Walking to the park, renting a video, a bus ride to the mall on a rainy day. I loved spending time with my Mom as a kid. I enjoyed being at her side and the security of knowing that she was there and that she took time with myself and my brothers and sister. The other day, I remembered the trips we used to take as kids and perhaps it was nostalgia for my earlier years but I had the deep desire to spend time with my kids and be with them. In the world today, it is so easy to get caught up in the have to’s of everyday. I find myself doing it quite often. I have to stop myself and be reminded they (my kids) will only be little for so long. It is hard to remember that when in the mist of dirty dishes, messy floors and dirty laundry galore. It may not be possible to always make the time though when it really feels inspired, I say go for it. Even on those tough days. This time we went to the zoo. We had fun, we walked, we saw the animals, we went into the reptile house. I found out my daughter loves snakes. Who would have thought? They really gross me out. We had fun watching the sea lions. And my youngest was amazed with the trees and rocks. I am glad for the moment of childhood reminiscence and the time it gave me with my kids, to build theirs and my memories.
I have been thinking about my blog and my writings. There is so much that goes on in life. My original thoughts of My Humorous Mommy Life! as I turned around and found my toddler on the table was wow! I could really not like that or hey, I can find the humor in this and laugh about it. That day I sat down and wrote about my day, I chose to look at things with a sense of humor. I was grateful I did. I also know in my life, there are so many different things that go on in a day when it comes to being a mom, when it come to being a parent, when it comes to being human. So much of the time we forget about how well we do and how much we accomplish! In the everyday, there are so many things that we have to, want to, hope to do. Sometimes it is for our children, sometimes it is for ourselves or others. I would like to open up my writing to include the many different adventures that are involved in my life as each day progresses. My biggest adventure right now, hence the title of this blog is motherhood, though there are other adventures that are experienced as well. In my re-thinking process, I have adjusted the title of my blog a bit to My Humorous Mommy Life! And, the Everyday Adventures of I Did It! Thank you for reading and I look forward to your comments, ideas, suggestions! If you are on facebook, like My Humorous Mommy Life!
Today we did another fun summer activity, we went on a picnic. It was spontaneous! A few things were left behind but we remember the things we needed. We headed for Pineview Reservoir, near Ogden, UT. My mom is in town from Chicago and she enjoys scenic rides. The pineview ride was one that I remembered and a bonus was that there is a beach so the kids could swim. Oh, I need to start remembering to take pictures! I will be better at that. It was a hot day today and after all the sunscreen lathering and item collecting, we headed down to the beach. Oh boy, the sand was scorching hot! I don’t think I have felt sand like that ever. We finally made it down to the water. The water was warm! It was great. I watched the kids as they played and enjoyed seeing them splash, jump, swim in the water. The landscape is beautiful. A lake surrounded by mountains. I love the mountains, it is one reason I was convinced to live in Utah. Though, it is still a toss up between the Lake Michigan shores in Chicago! We swam, we enjoyed the warm weather, the time away from out routine of things. We had our picnic and it was great to be together. Many times it is so hard to get out the door, prepare and get going, but it is so great once we are on the road. I am thankful spontaneity worked out today!
Wishing a Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there! Thank you to all the women who have been, are and continue to be examples to me of what a Mom is. I am thankful for this experience.
Trying to get something accomplished, I sat down at the computer. The house was a bit messy and I thought to myself, I will take care of this later. Actually, there were things everywhere, but I still decided to sit down at the computer and get something accomplished. I heard my, probably 16 month-er at the time behind me. I turned around and to my surprise, he was standing on the table in a the middle of the disaster. Hence, My Humorous Mommy Life! And, Other Stuff…came to be. Seven and a half years ago, I made the decision to leave my full-time out of home work behind for a season and begin my journey of being an at home mom. I never new how much my life was going to change. Even if someone had told me specifically how much my life was going to change once having a child (at home or not), I am not sure I would have believed it. Nope. Wouldn’t have. Plus, I am not sure that it is something that can be explained. I have three children, William (7.5), Isabella (4.5) and Liam (18 months). All so different, but kind of similar. I hope you will join me as I write of the journey’s of my experience of motherhood, the things I learn, have learned, hear and wish I wouldn’t have heard, ideas and all those things that fall in between. Comment, share your experiences. It is nice to know we are not alone.